Good night, Blue World

As a new day begins its cycle, I think back on the recent past... what a gloriously jumbled bunch of days have passed, I don't even know where to begin.

E has recently arrived home after his much anticipated visit. Would that he could have stayed forever, I would be the happiest Blue Girl in the world. Possibly the most confused as well, but that's part of what makes life so much fun. At least this girl's life. :D

Lest I get too effusive, let me just say this - I have remembered that I am not here to lead a dull life, or to be just another herd critter. I do enjoy downtime, but I was never meant to be a 'normal' girl. Whatever that is... I'm still trying to figure out if perhaps I am more normal than some I know. hehe, at any rate, I happily embrace this new direction, and look forward to the rollercoaster ride to come...

I mean, really now, how can you not love roller coasters?!?

To all of those in my world, a good night. My darling E... jeg elsker dig, min skat

Once Upon A Time...

Or perhaps a better start would be:

A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...

*There was a girl. Actually, several iterations of a girl, each one a facet of the whole, exploring different aspects of the personality behind the avatar. Over the course of 2 years, this girl became many things, working to perfect herself time and again, over and over, taking the good with the bad. During that time she danced, controlled creatures, was a crack shot, considered a lethal weapon, brought a city back from ruin and built it into the power it once was and then some, ran a guild, lived, loved many times, laughed and cried. She made new friends, lost them, rebuilt friendships, attended and officiated at weddings, witnessed death and resurrection, rejoiced and suffered the agonies of loss deeper than ever expected. This girl was, for all intents and purposes, as real as any you might see walking down the street... but she was only a figment of an imagination. And now, it's time for that figment to rest.

Her reason for existence has come to a painful end. Too much loss, with nothing to replace it, has weakened her, and she does not choose to go on. With her remaining energies, she will seek the last one she lost, hoping to be reunited with that one. She willingly leaves behind all the material trappings, all the power and status that her life contained throughout its run, because without that one, it means nothing.*

Wren looks around her shop one last time, adjusting a slipping sheet over a cabinet full of momentos, things from happier times that she kept to remind her of those times. A softly spoken word dims the lights, then a slight movement of her hand locks the seals on the door. They will remain closed until... who knows.

She runs to Terim's shops and closes them up quickly, refusing to dwell longer than she has to, whispering the codes to seal them until such time as he might return. Her steps falter slightly as she steps through the door of their home, then she gathers her courage and goes through the same procedures as in their shops - with one extra step as she gathers a few possessions for her trip. She pauses for a moment in their bedroom, lifting his pillow to try and catch the faint scent of him... the small bantha doll he gave her drops to the bed and she picks it up, smiling as the memory returns. She tucks it in her satchel then places his pillow back on the bed, straightening it slightly. A last look, then she leaves the house, pausing only to activate the security that will ensure it remains as she leaves it now, in the hope that one day she will return with him at her side.

Wren looks around the empty town a moment before hopping on her bike for the shuttleport. Terimbrel had worked so hard to keep the city alive, and there had been such plans. If only his ship hadn't disappeared as he was returning from his last visit with their Liege, lost in a system that few knew anything about. She had spent the past months waiting, hoping, that he would return, dying a little each day as there was no news. She pushed those thoughts away, hopping on the shuttle, not wanting to relive those particular memories.

At the Coronet starport, she boarded her ship, Blue Valkyrie, a slight smile as she remembered Terim's reaction to the name. Tossing her satchel in the co-pilot seat, she punched in the coordinates to Dantooine, then prepared for takeoff. Her eyes straying over the interior of her ship, lighting on two helmets that she brought with her, smiling at the memories they invoked. The laughter and good-natured teasing that surrounded the Black Sun helmet, the awe that the beautifully made RIS armor helmet always inspired in her. She ran a finger over the RIS, remembering the man it was made for, and the feelings she still had for him... her soul ached at the loss of him... his absence more than anything leaving her bereft of any support and strength. She took a deep breath, trying to reach him where he was now, feeling a faint hint of him but no response, and stopped, focusing instead on the final preparations before takeoff, and the leap into hyperspace.

The trip was quick, and re-entry a slight jolt that wakened her from hyper-sleep so she could focus on landing. Dantooine's Mining Outpost was still bustling, though not with the same feeling as it used to have, before the dark days arrived. Gritting her teeth, Wren hurried from the landing area, pulling her speeder from the long-term parking and hopping on, rushing away from the outpost to escape the incessant noise. As she cruised over the river, glancing from time to time into the water to see the teeming fish, she thought about the city she was heading to now, and how to best withdraw from the office that she could no longer hold if she was to find her husband, regain a semblance of the life she once had. She passed the cantina that still bore her name, a gift from the father of her third husband. She resolutely pushed any further thoughts of him from her mind, not wanting the tears to distract her from this final thing, saving them for another time, as she always seemed to do of late.

Camelot still stood, a shell of its former self, empty buildings with shuttered windows the only evidence of what it once was... a bustling city that drew hundreds for the opportunities it presented on a beautiful but dangerous planet that took often more than it gave. As she got off her bike at City Hall, she had a flashback to a hunting trip... her eyes strayed to the hill where his house stood, before the horrible day he took his own life to escape a horror he couldn't accept... another thought she pushed away, biting her bottom lip to concentrate on the next things.

Wren stepped into her office and looked around a moment, then began packing items into an armoire and a couple packs, to be placed into storage. Once she was done, she sat at her desk, going through the most recent city report. No changes, it would be a simple matter to turn it over to her deputy, there would be no fuss at the change in leadership and she knew she could leave it without worry. She drafted a letter then, outlining what might need to be done, and had it sent via holo-gram, then packed the last few things into her briefcase. Another soft sentence into her comm, and two large men came and moved out the items she indicated, nodding respectfully, one whispering 'As you wish, my Lady'. She sent another brief note to her deputy to be sure to retain the two, suggesting commissions or appropriate promotions would be in order for their loyalty. Before she walked out, she noticed her old dancing costume in the corner and walked over, running a finger over the delicate material that had been specifically designed to match her skin color. She scooped it up, along with the matching shoes and tossed them in her satchel, then dimmed the lights and left City Hall and Camelot, with only a brief stop at her riverside home to secure it until she might return. She didn't venture any further in than the entry, not wanting to deal with the memories of Vyko waiting for her, surprising her when he was able to get away from his training duties at the academy, or the day when she received notice that his squadron had been lost in a training exercise... she shook her head slightly, fingers going to the ring that she wore now, twisting it, trying to keep herself together a bit longer. One last code, and she slipped out as the security seal closed...

Back at the starport, she got off her speeder, securing it in her permanent spot, going over it quickly to set it into long-term storage mode, then ran to the terminals that would take her back to her ship. She pulled out a disc that had Terim's last known coordinates, as well as those of another... she would seek them both if she could, and hope to bring them both back. A quick rundown of the long-distance travel checklist, ensuring that her ship was ready, she fired up the stasis tube that would hold her until her destination was attained, then launched.

Above Dantooine, Wren looked down at the purple and green planet, remembering how she loved the sunrises there, then turned back to the comm, setting in her course, dialing in a few other commands, then pushing the autopilot button. She had 5 minutes before the jump to light speed, and she used them in stowing a few last items, and getting ready for stasis, tucking the bantha doll into the tube, as well as a few holo pictures that would give her pleasant dreams as she travelled. She also checked the other tubes that she had installed for this trip, with the hopes that she would be most successful, then climbed into hers. Before she settled down, she looked at the holos... happier times, the face of her beloved Terim, Estei, Raman, In-A, Merana, and the others, finally letting the memories come, good and bad, as she drifted off. Just before her vision completely blurred with tears and then nothingness, she looked and saw that her ship was making the jump... the stars turning to white streaks as the ship went into hyperspace...

"I'm coming, love. I will find you. We will be together again. I am yours always..."

*Thus ends she which was known as Wren. Also known as Arial, Kique, Ka'Lyrra, and a few others. Unless things change in her particular universe, there is no longer a reason for her existence. The world she knew, the world that helped make her what she was, is gone. It is missed, by many. And by her. She doesn't like the new world that she woke up in. It may be more 'Star Warsy', but that wasn't what kept her there so long. What kept her there, has gone now. And thus, so must she.*

The Fairy Tale continues... and changes...

*stretches, smiling* mmm, another weekend rolls along to its end. It's been a long, relaxing, and generally good one. A few minor things popped up, but were solved with haste, in a satisfactory manner. Much better than times in the past, and for this I am most grateful.

Now, where did I leave off? Honestly, I don't know.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. She appeared to be a regular girl, and most people took her for that, not looking any further than they had to, in their assessment of her. Which was fine with her. She continued on, finding what she needed as she went, gathering a few close friends.

After many years, she stumbled upon a boy... he was somewhat like her, but different also, which caught her eye. So much so, that they decided it would be good to go through life together. So they took the walk, exchanged the symbols, and started their adventures. And what adventures they have had so far... good and bad. They have learned and grown, fought and made up, and managed to get through the more difficult of times together. They have learned things about each other, good and bad. Which, in a round-about way, leads them to Europe.

One of those things that they have learned about each other, is that they share a belief... that they can love each other as much as they do, and also have love for others, that doesn't detract from what they have for each other. It was hinted at even before they decided to be together, and then more so after they joined. Questions were answered, attempts were made and abandoned as they were found to cause more pain that pleasure. Then, they stumbled on the combination that now seems to be the way it should go.

It seems, in this case, to come down to friendship. Friendships that the girl had made, and introduced to the boy, that he then worked on independently. From that came a suggestion, which was discussed and dissected, then put back together and agreed upon. Lest you think this was a short span of time, it wasn't. Not for the base of things that were needed to move forward. Though yes, for some of it, it was. The same has been said of the girl and boy's relationship, which they can only believe means good things to come, since that is still the outcome of their fairy tale, even with the frustration.

For the girl, she has found one to add to her list of those she truly loves. A short list; she has never been one to give it so freely, so she was a bit surprised. But this is where E comes into the story. He holds a place near to that of her Beloved, beloved in his own right, on his own merits. Which also allows for their love to grow of its own right, without detracting from the other. Which it has, and continues to do so.

For the boy, he has also found one, though they take it a bit slower. Having less of an initial basis than the girl and her E, they must build from the beginning, which they have been working on, and it steadily moves forward.

In doing this, the girl and boy have found that they are more able to focus on important things within their own relationship, and that has grown as well. Perhaps because they are trying with others, they are better able to see the missteps they take with each other, and then can focus on those missteps and retrace them. At any rate, it seems to work, and they move forward.

Now... is this all a fairy tale? Do the girl and boy, being together, also hope to bring others into the circle they have built, to make it bigger, to share their love? Do E, and the mystery woman, really exist? Is Denmark a country? *laughs softly* Yes. E and the mystery woman exist. Yes, Denmark is a country. Yes, the girl and boy hope to bring E and the mystery woman into the circle of their love, so they can all be together. Lest you think only naughty thoughts, smack yourself soundly upside the head, then pull your brain out and scrub it a bit. Don't attempt to drag this fairy tale through the muck of base thoughts, it won't stick. Instead, try looking beyond that, to a possibility where people can love so much, so freely, that they can encompass others, without losing anything they have for each other. Is it possible? I have no doubt there will be plenty of naysayers. Luckily for this fairy tale... they are not the writers of it.

My Beloved knows that, more than anything, I love him. I am in love with him. I will be with him, through good and bad, thick and thin. Because he knows this, he can accept that I also love another - E. Just as I know that, more than anything, he loves me. He is in love with me. He will be with me through good and bad, thick and thin. Because I know this, I can accept that he may also love another at some point. I hope it, because as much as I would like to think I am the be-all and end-all for him, I know this isn't true. I cannot fill all that he might need, though we certainly seem to cover a lot with each other. I cannot be ALL to him, because we are not exactly alike, or even exactly complementary. As I learn this, I learn that it's not the worst thing in the world, that he may be able to find fulfillment in the lovely mystery woman. I hope he does, encourage it, because I see it also makes him happy. If I can do that, I'm good.

Now what? Where do we go from here? Well... as a young girl I once knew used to say... the possibilities are endless. I do plan to go along the way hand in hand with the Beloved, E, and whoever else wants to join us... we have room...

Where to begin?

So much has happened since I last wrote, I'm not even sure where to start. I'll see if I can find the beginning, and go from there. :D

Being a true bleu girl, with all that entails, gives me the advantage of seeing things from different angles. At least, I like to think so, and when I remember to look at them accordingly, life is very good. Even if it doesn't always look that way. Case in point - the beloved and I. I have done a small bit of ranting on our married life, venting my frustrations on the seemingly unending situation of his lack of finding a stable job as I work and support us, and our raging gaming habits. And a ravenously hungry dachschund. This when my own body is demanding I don't, in fairly insistent tones. But, I digress. That too, is for another time, another blog. My frustration with this situation has caused its share of dissension, though it never seemed to affect anything for more than a day or two. Adding another layer to the tale.

Well, it seems of late, that my legendary patience has all but been used up with the beloved and our life. Thoughts filled my head of options, none of them very pleasant, but all of them pointing at the problems that needed to be resolved. After the apparent failure of yet another of our discussions on how to deal with things, I had pretty much had enough. Now, gentle reader, lest you think I resorted to screaming or hair-pulling, let me set your mind at ease. That is not how I resolve anything. I, as generations of true bleu women before, and after, have and will do, began a sulk of such immense proportions, it has yet to be matched.

Yes, I'm quite good at sulking. It's a badge of honor, and also saves me from histrionics most of the time. And, it's effective. Is it a game? No, I never fake-sulk. That takes away from the importance of it when it does happen. Children fake-sulk all the time. As a grown woman, who has won her adulthood the hard way, I know the difference. So, the sulk began. It stretched far and wide, encompassing pretty much everything, until it crashed onto the shores of Denmark. Why Denmark? Because.

During this sulk, I heard from more than a few folks, with support and good ideas, all of which are greatly appreciated, and all of which helped when it was time to end the sulk. What brought about the end? A small, red dog. Well, that and the mistaken reading of something I wrote to someone very precious to me. The beloved stumbled across it, and I really can't be happier that he did. Obviously, in some way, I had managed to be too subtle about my anger and upset over the state of our union. In telling things to my precious one, I was blunt, venting without thought of filtering in any way. Which, in an aside, has let me know that sometimes it's better to be blunt, than to try and be gentle. Anyway, the beloved found our conversation, and it seems to have shocked him to the core. I can't say I'm upset, really, as the results have been truly amazing.

No, don't even think that I will descend into the 'roses and rainbows' happy ending. What I mean is... in the beloved's reading of how I felt about our situation, in plain language, he realized that I wasn't as happy as he seemed to be with things. We spent that weekend discussing the real issues, and since then, he has been more willing to get to the heart of problems, versus just glossing over everything. As well, he has begun taking steps in other areas... and I can only say that each step he takes makes me just a little bit more confident that things are as they were meant to be when we first started out... There is still much to do, but now I am able to see the light, much brighter than before.

Of course, that is not the only thing happening in my life. However, as the most important, it bears first mention. But, there is always more. :D

Now, perhaps a few of you, ok maybe just one of you, are wondering what Denmark has to do with anything. Just this... the precious one lives there. There is much more to that story, believe me. For now, I say this. It's definitely an interesting life, little twists and turns, and the people along the way, that make it amazingly wonderful. I am most glad that I got the interesting life, even when it's a bit... hard... to explain to others. All I know is, as life continues, and we grow, we realize that there's really so much more to be discovered, if we are willing to be open to it. As long as we maintain our sights on what's truly important, then we can experience all of it without getting lost.

So, is there an end? Not even close. But, if it did come now, I could accept it, with this knowledge: I am still madly in love with my beloved one. Because of that, I can say this: E - I am in love with you. And, because of that, I can say this: I can take the bad, because I have so much good to counter-act it. Lest I become maudlin, of course there is so much more, but I'll stop with those two, for now.

What's next? *laughs softly* Who knows... just stay tuned... you know you want to.

While birds do this every day, we just got a kick out of this one... rather than show us his face, we got every other angle of him... including this 'money' shot as he prepares to abandon the paparrazi stalkers below.

All we could do was laugh.

:D

The Trip, Part 4

So, gentle readers, I imagine you thought this day would never come. But, it has. The end of the trip. Once upon a time, a blue girl took a trip to Washington State to see her best friend. Then they came back home. Chronicled here for your entertainment. :D So, now to finish. Please forgive if it seems a bit foggy, but you must remember, we're driving on 2 hours of sleep... the world was all in a fog, even though the sun was brighter than I ever remember seeing it, before or since.

Imagine, if you will, sleeping in a car. I'm sure many of us have, actually, for one reason or another. Unfortunately, they are not built for women of substance... so the only comfortable one was the dog. Luckily, Cap's new vehicle was suitably plush enough, it wasn't like sleeping on a kitchen chair or anything, just a bit cramped. Once we woke up to the sun's insistent knocking on our eyelids, we spent almost as much time stretching out as we did sleeping, before we began the final leg of the trip.

It's 7 am in northern California. The area is not very exciting, most of this leg of the trip was through land that, barring the mountain range, looked almost like Illinois. Acres of wild land, followed by acres of orange groves (ok, they don't have those in Illinois), followed by more acres of wild land. Dotted with the occasional town/city. We were in a race by this time, just wanting to get home and rest in proper beds, and put the driving behind us. But still, the sense of camaraderie was there. Cap calls her beloved, and gets the report that if traffic is good, we should be able to get home by 1:30 pm. Sure enough, we hit it just about there, avoiding LA traffic and any other real snarls, and stopping for breakfast and a change of clothes.

Why the race? Why not meander as was the original plan? By this time, we were both ready to be done with it. We wanted to see our beloveds, take showers, and admit that perhaps, just maybe, we were too old to do this kind of thing anymore. *laughs softly* At least, without sleeping properly in between.

Honestly, those were the best 4 days I've spent in a long time. The most important part was getting to spend time with Cap, just hanging out, working side by side, laughing at our usual silliness in a place that hasn't had the opportunity to experience us yet. That made all the rest of it worthwhile. And that is why I'll do it again in a heartbeat. After we get some sleep.

For those who have waited patiently, I finally have a picture from our trip. One that will forever remind me of the jaunt up north... in the oddest way. At some point in the future, I'll show you all the rockin' t-shirt I got to commemorate the event. It brings new meaning to the idea of road trips, at least to me.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - it's the little things that make life worthwhile. So try not to miss them...

A New Day -

Well, it's been a bit. I haven't forgotten that I have a story to finish, but much has happened.

I've moved into a new position, working for a restaurant group here in Southern California, Pat & Oscar's, very tasty food designed to go straight to my hips. *grins* But, that won't stop me from eating it almost every chance I get. So far, the folks have all been wonderful, and I'm very glad to be here. This part of my life is pretty much wonderful.

Another part of my life is a bit less shiny, and that is worrying me. Now, don't get me wrong. I knew, going in, that marriage wasn't always perfect. I've seen my share, good and bad, and I understand that all marriages have their good and bad. So this is not a surprise. I guess, what is a surprise to me, is that my beloved doesn't see the problem that I do with our current situation. So... am I just seeing things? I don't believe so. Marriage is best as a partnership. Those are never perfect. I know this. But, in any partnership, if one partner isn't doing their part... it's better that they leave.

How does that translate to marriage? I don't know. All I know is I want to be able to respect my husband, as well as love him, and like him. Yes, I want it all. In one man. Why? Because I believe it's possible, or else marriage as an institution would truly have died a very very long time ago. Is that really too much to ask? Does it put too much pressure on one person? Maybe it does. But I don't think I believe that. Should I have just not gotten married? I don't think that either. There is still more positive than negative, even though this is trying to creep into every aspect of my life at the moment.

In the meantime, I have the one I love, who I'm married to, and the one I love, and respect, who I'm not married to, and I'm seriously considering bigamy. I just have a feeling that would be even more work, and I'm just not up for it right now. :-/

Something quick...

Though there is plenty to say, I only have time for a bit...

I have been offered a permanent job... ending the desert of temporary assignments that I have been wandering through for almost two years.

Life... is good.